i have kind of a backlog of posts to write up, thoughts i've wanted to write out but havn't felt like i've had the chance. things seem so busy because work is so draining, so when it's over i just feel the need to relax with alissa. and although absolutely no one reads this, i think it would still be good for me to write them out to help in processing. perhaps i can encourage myself to do that soon. also, cooking has continued to become a larger and larger part of who i am. it's replaced art and music in a way since it's necessary, i can use my creativity, and i get to share what i have done with the people i love. so, i've been thinking about posting recipes as a way to express myself and also not forget what i did, because it's usually on the fly. i suppose all i'm saying is there might be a lot of posts in rapid succession, but they didn't all happen at the same time. i don't know why i that's important to have made known. i guess i'm just a fan of full disclosure?

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i've been at the orange grove center for a while, and i know it's not the place for me. i've decided it's time to do something about that. i've needed to look hard at what it is i want to do for a while but it's really hard to pin something down, and after sending out all those resumes last winter with no response, it's pretty daunting to prepare myself to do it again. for now, i think i've decided to look for a way to mentor as a profession.  i love students and it would be awesome to get paid to care for them. there are many ways to do this i'm sure, but i've been especially interested in the opportunities teaching would afford me lately. so, i filled out an application with an organization called teach/here. through them, i would be able to get a master's in education from the university of tennessee, knoxville while staying in chattanooga and after teaching for four years, the tuition would be completely forgiven. in addition, i would be an apprentice teacher, so to speak, and would have access to lots of help as i started my teaching career. it's a wonderful opportunity, but only 18 will get in between both knoxville and chattanooga, so we'll see what happens.

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Creamy Potato Soup

i love soup. it's by far my favorite non-bread type of food to cook, because it is so improvisational. you can make soup from just about anything, and it's a great way to use random things that are just lying around your kitchen. this soup of course, is not full of random things, but rather pretty ordinary ingredients. in fact, you could probably make this soup right now if you substituted regular milk (or almond milk, or rice milk, or goat milk, you could even use cream or half & half... you get the idea, just keep it unflavored!) for soymilk. that just happens to be what we had on hand.

Broccoli Cheddar Soup

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Into the Chasm

a couple of weeks ago at our neighborhood small group we spent some time in guided prayer. as i sat there with my eyes closed the flat pixelated plane of my eyelids gave way to an endless black void. the darkness instantaneously went from two dimensions to three. a deep, ebony chasm unknowable for it's value and it's depth. as i witnessed this change, i knew the emptiness was God. the curtain of my eyelids was torn in two and i was confronted with the knowledge that i was staring directly into the Unknowable Core of the Creator. the same Dark Nothingness that was over the face of the deep and filled everything before the creation of the universe. the eternally-mysterious, unknowable God who pieced me together and chooses to make His home inside me. for a short while there was no distance between us - no facade, no make-up, no elderly white-haired man with a beard. just the intimacy of me and the truest analog of God i can imagine.

so i sat there - staring into the chasm, comforted by the mystery.

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new home. and it is such a relief.

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for the longest time i haven't had the chance to write here because things really have been that crazy. for a long time i didn't have any job. then i got one working for a pizza place. the hours were awful and the management was worse. i never saw alissa and i never had a free moment. then i got another (better) offer and was going to keep both but the manager i talked to and had cleared it with decided suddenly he changed his mind, so i had to quit or i'd be fired the next morning for not showing up. so i now have a job, and have since mid-march. i work as a teacher assistant at a school for students with intellectual disabilities. the thing is, i never set out to be a teacher or to work in special education; both of which just so happen to be the family business on my mom's side of the family. and even though i don't think this place is the best fit for me, its funny how some things seem to be inside you that need no nourishing. our families give us good things that we are blessed with, and bad things that we must fight against our whole lives. the pull of genetics is strong and mysterious.

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on december 30th, right before the new year, i reinvented myself. i changed my name, officially, to andrew monte browning-couch. it's been interesting trying to remember to put it on things especially as i fill out lots and lots of job applications. i even had to practice a new signature so that i wouldn't do the old one automatically when i sign a receipt or important paper work. i like me new signature and i like my new name. it's like alissa and i are officially, finally a real family; we share a name.

i was going to write something thoughtful and probing about the importance of names how they affect our views of ourselves. i even saved the first sentence of this post to finish later; but, honestly, right now talking about my signature is way more interesting.

a picture from the honeymoon:

(the browning-couches after a lot of walking in san francisco)

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Jeremiah's Letter to the Exiles

being in such a precarious position lately has really made me think about God's provision and what it means to be provided for. job opportunities come and go lately. some linger for what seems like ages with no news. through it all, it's easy to get discouraged and even feel like you've got absolutely nothing to offer anyone. and, if it weren't for my wonderful wife, i'd probably set up camp there. i'd say our money is wearing thin, but i think we skipped that and went straight to being threadbare. between alissa's checks and cashing in a life insurance policy, we'll be able to make it another month or so. each time we get close to zero some small thing happens to bring us back up into temporary safety. in this way, God provides for us.

when the Israelites were in the desert, God gave them manna from heaven; but they were warned only to collect what they needed for the day, otherwise it would spoil and produce maggots. In the same spirit, Jesus taught us all how to pray by saying "...give us this day our daily bread..." [matthew 6]. on and on, God tries to get His people to rely on Him one day at a time; and this is something He has been teaching me since i met Him; so, even though it's hard to sit and wait, that is what i do, knowing that each day His provision will come and one day could even be a job.

in a similar way, when the Israelites were taken into exile, they wondered when the trials they were facing would end. so, God sent Jeremiah a message to be delivered to the exiles. this is what He said:

[4]"Thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: [5]Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. [6]Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. [7]But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare. [8]For thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel: Do not let your prophets and your diviners who are among you deceive you, and do not listen to the dreams that they dream, [9]for it is a lie that they are prophesying to you in my name; I did not send them, declares the LORD.

[10]"For thus says the LORD: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. [11]For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. [12]Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. [13]You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. [14]I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

-[jeremiah 29:4-14]

this passage has been very encouraging to me lately for many reasons. it is clear that God does not pretend that their troubles will be over soon, He tells them to build houses and raise families in the places they have been taken to [v. 5-6]. furthermore, He tells them to not despise the place or the people but instead to "seek their welfare" because their futures were tied together [v.7]. i can only imagine the false prophets in verses 8 and 9 were telling them it would all be over soon. God then goes on to say that He knows when the end will come, He can be trusted and will rescue every one of His people. for me, these verses encourage me to not only hang on, but to get comfortable with my surroundings; and to not despise my circumstances but rather to find the good in them.

throughout these verses i hear God clearly saying, "you knew there would be trials, you knew there would be hard times, don't fight them. I have appointed a specific time for this to be over and I will bring you back from these circumstances. trust me, andy, because I know the plans I have for you and your wife; and they are good. though I am always with you, you will discover Me again. I will not let you give up, I will be found by you! though you feel broken, I will gather you up and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile."

a picture of a loving God who provides for His people.

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a lot of things have been wearing me down lately, and every so often the decision to merely get up and take part in life is unattractive. but i can easily say i am glad for my wife each and every day, without waver or doubt. she is the greatest gift i could have ever received; and i am far more lucky to have her than i deserve. i love her.

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